Where do I begin when writing my magnum opus to the Lord? Do I need to hem and haw when thou knowest my heart better than I and already know what I will say, what I struggle to say, what I will fail to say and what I don't even know, myself? How do I come before you with complaints when I know the complaints are really with myself and my failures against you?
So many nights I whined, "Why?"
"Well, why, then, my daughter?"
Where am I still hardened to your love? Where am I not letting you in?
My obstinate unwillingness to fully accept your will and bear my suffering needs observing.
You healed those I pray for, but I do not resent them nor wish for my healing over theirs. I simply resigned to the notion that I, separate from all others, am the only one undeserving... and what arrogance it takes to think that something should apply only to me.
Let me preface this by saying that I've read TOB and West's companion book, however...
It really does come down to suppression IN THAT WAY. Yes, there are many ways to express Eros in general, but in that way...
There's just something missing here entirely for me. It doesn't answer the question of that very important desire to express love in that way being fulfilled. It doesn't always have to be twisted and a disordered form of lust when you have sexual desire towards someone.
Maybe you want to give to them and sacrifice in the way God intended, but you just can't. I find it rather sad. Ultimately, it's a choice entered into (sort of), but it's the one area of TOB where I find it difficult to know where to direct that eros besides thanking God for the person and for the beauty and for the feelings that arise... (yup, I get it) there just isn't anywhere for that energy to go from there. It stops in its tracks and has to be directed into another avenue.... another form of giving. Tell me how the sexual urge isn't actually suppressed here.
Now, I may being going into "TMI" territory here, so if you blush easily or you are a family member of mine, you may not want to read further.
Over the past two and a half years being single, I have remained true to not engaging in the sexual act (the marital embrace) in a disordered way, yet I have not completely successfully refrained from self-pleasure (although much less than I used to!).
Sometimes I enter into "ecstatic states"... kind of like energy orgasms... with no physical touch. It was actually happening a little bit today while driving. I felt chills go up my back like a wave, similar to the body sensations of an orgasm but without the genital stimulation.
Another thing that happens... If it's been a very long time and then there IS a physical release, I sometimes experience ESO's, or extended-state orgasms, with multiple peaks that roll into one another, and it can go on for 20-30 minutes. It's kind of annoying. However, it has been less of an interference in my life lately.
Even though I have a relatively high sex drive, it is well-tempered now. Not LOWERED, necessarily, just controlled.
I am in no way arguing with the beautiful body of text that comprises the Theology of the Body, and I do not wish to be obstinate or argumentative, but this is an area of TOB that I've had a hard time with in my personal experience while trying to remain chaste and while striving toward celibacy (at least during this time of non-union/singlehood) and I genuinely wish to understand how to either overcome or integrate or whatever I need to do with this undirected form of love I need to give. And it isn't even about something as selfish as having a high drive. That can be just an excuse. Perhaps some people are just predisposed to needing to give in this particular way and to sacrifice for another and be a gift of self in this way. I do not think I was made for singlehood, personally. I NEED to give and to express Eros in this form. I just don't think it's possible to actually redirect the actual sexual desire besides repressing it and letting the energy itself take other forms. It's just not the same.
I had a really tough night last night. My chronic pain levels were terrible, my mindset was terrible, and I'd been feeling really down about my future. I felt like I really needed God's word, so I actually went back and listened to some "Bible in a Year" last night while lying on the floor in pain, and it happened to be day 131 "Hope for the future" (The stories of Tamar, Amnon and David in 2 Samuel 13/Chronicles 17/Psalm 35.).
Like Father Mike mentioned in the episode... I am one of those who feel used up and like I can never be loved again. He said to hear the words in my ears and let the words of God penetrate my heart... that I'm not unlovable, that I'm not disqualified from being loved truly and forever...but I just can't believe it. (It's one of the "special usages" of belief that C.S. Lewis talked about in the second chapter of "The World's Last Night"... where a rather weak degree of opinion becomes stronger on the negative side—"I don't believe you".). And while I completely WANT to believe this is true, evidence suggests otherwise, so it's hard to fully submit to "I believe". It's hard to believe at this point that my future is redeemable and full of hope. So much time has been lost. I feel like I'm so broken in the ways that I even think, that I can never really heal that. I don't feel I have a purpose here. I do feel kind of dead and that my future, my life, is over. I don't know why, if I love Him, he does not want a good life for me.
“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)
Does he not know I love Him? Do I not love him correctly? Am I doing everything wrong? If I can't do any of it right, why is he keeping me here? What even is my purpose?
I feel like I can only really perceive his love for me in the way my father loved me… which was, he knew I existed. But I wasn’t worth putting effort into. I didn’t make it into his “schedule”.
And it's not that I can't be loved insofar as one might be capable. But it's never enough... and no one ever truly knows another interiorly, as God does. I feel like those who love me just love projections of me... or they're obsessed with an idea. Or they just want to control or possess.
Despite my honest attempts, I just feel like I can't receive God's love. And if I fail at that, I feel like I failed this life.
In the past, I had a couple of very poignant and detailed dreams where I was getting married to someone that I didn't want to and it was the end of the world.
I often had precognitive dreams when I was younger, but it hasn't happened for a very long time. Even if things don't happen exactly the same as in the dream, if I pay attention to the MESSAGE or the EMOTION behind the events, I can look back upon them as a warning.
I think I am approaching the time where the warning is coming into play.
It certainly feels overwhelmingly like we are very near to the end of the world or close to a catastrophic event.
Here's the old blog post where I talk about the dreams:
(I talk about the more recent one first, then interpret it. Then at the bottom, I describe the first one I ever had.)
The reason I feel that I am approaching the time where the warning is coming into play is because I am considering going back to someone that I don't really want to marry and that I don't really love. I care for him, and I've remained in contact with him since we separated 3 years ago, but I honestly feel at this point in my life that I won't meet anyone new that I will have a deep connection with. Someone who ideally doesn't have any children either and who hasn't been married. I'd have to spend years revealing my whole ethos again and understanding someone and all their quirks and brokenness. Years figuring out how my wounds interact with theirs. I'm 41 and likely too old to start having a family. My soul feels worn out and tired. I'm not getting any younger or more attractive and I know that this person loves me and never stopped, even being across the country for the past 3 years. He knows my life-altering struggles with chronic pain (no one new is going to want to deal with that) and I know he would never cheat on me. I really don't trust him with my heart and my heart actually was traumatized when I lived with him for 3 1/2 years when he still was an alcoholic. He did not treat me very well a lot of the time. He doesn't drink anymore and he doesn't have any children and has never been married. We both are kind of failures at life. At least he loves God. He was an ordained minister at a Pentecostal church a long time ago before we started dating. He is more interested in the Torah these days, though.
I feel right now like I'm in my dream, sitting in my bathroom at the end of the world with my wedding dress on, telling my mom that I don't love (X) and that I don't want to marry him.
Death will come knocking soon enough. C'est La Vie.
I may occasionally whine about being alone, but perhaps those who have not spent a significant amount of time alone with themselves understand me and where I am coming from. I am a woman who is not afraid to be alone with my own thoughts and I have spent enough time in solitude to find peace there and deeper understanding of my own soul while examining my conscience. I do not waste my solitary time on brain-numbing consumption and entertainment. I do not try to run away from myself. I don't have anything that I do for "escapism" (drugs, alcohol etc.). I use my time to read and to deepen my prayer life, and I realize that coming from this place of solitude, whomever I choose to spend time with is an intentional and purposeful choice, never out of desperation, because I have been alone and am only choosing to come out of it to embrace what I find truly nourishing to my soul and not draining. People may say I'm not putting myself in the right places to meet people, but I say that the right people have not presented themselves in the places I want to be. Yes, I'm human and yes I want love and to give all of myself, but good grief I'm not filling a void or looking for a variable to fit some presupposed equation. I've become quite fond of the freedom of creating my own schedule and my own life, pursuing my own interests and hobbies. If someone is capable of sharing in those things, wonderful. But I absolutely will not play games and if you disappear for a long time, I will not retain interest. I may have a youthful outlook and connect with the child inside that likes to have fun, but that does not mean I am an emotionally immature little girl or that I do not know my worth and value. I have been through quite a bit at this point in my life. I also have times where I am depressed or I feel old or I have a negative or distorted view of my physical appearance, but I still won't put up with foolishness or disrespect. If you are quite removed from the awareness of your own conscience and soul, I will discover that quickly and will also be far less likely to invest in any emotional attachment. I am easily overwhelmed by constant interaction, especially if the dialogue is of little consequence. I don't say these things to assert an air of phony independence or to be intentionally harsh. This is just where I find myself currently and I am trying to be better understood.
As I was driving home from college after my video production class, I was considering stopping by to spend time with Jesus in Adoration. I made a split decision and tore into the church parking lot from the street in my black Mustang GT, blasting Rob Zombie on my Halloween playlist. (Maybe kind of weird, but whatever.)
I knelt in the front pew in prayer and I read the readings in the Magnificat for today. The last words I read were by Blessed Ladislaus Batthyany-Strattmann and he said, "If you want to be happy, make others happy".
One of the things I brought to the Lord in prayer was asking for Him to show me more ways I could serve others. I don't have a lot of money to give, but I want to be able to do more and I want to better understand the Kingdom of Heaven, the laws of which operate in an opposite way than this world. What we hold in high regard here in this world is lower in Heaven and what is lowest here is highest in Heaven.
I asked the Lord to be with me and to guide me. To show me CLEARLY the next step and what he wants me to do. I also asked what He wanted me to know and listened intently with my heart.
One of the main things He told me was that I have a beautiful heart. To let it be seen and to share it with others. To guard it, but to share it.
I went out to my car and sat for a little while checking some missed messages on my phone. A woman pulled up not far from me and she took a selfie in front of some statues, then she looked lost, but found her way to the courtyard entrance. I saw her take one more. I kind of giggled to myself at the fact that she did that. Not in a mean way, I just thought it was silly but kind of cute and there are worse things she could be taking selfies in front of. A few moments later, I noticed she was standing outside again and she looked confused or like she was looking for someone, so I rolled down my window and asked if she needed any help. She was wondering if the church was open. The church's main doors weren't open to the public at the time, so I kindly let her know. She had spoken to a woman she contacted on the church website and was trying to find her. She needed to talk to someone. There was that knee-jerk reaction to just let her walk away and say "Okay, bye!" and wish her the best, but I asked if she was okay. She seemed very distressed and she kind of walked away from the car and started sobbing. At that moment, God urged me to get out of the car. I got out, leaving the car door open and I asked if she was okay again but she kept crying. I then asked if she needed a hug and she opened her arms to hug me.
It was a long, hard hug. I told her that God loves her and that she is not alone. She sobbed and hugged me harder. She told me that she is not okay and sat down on the curb. I got my keys out of the car that I had left inside it and closed the door and sat down beside her on the curb. It was getting kind of cold and windy as the afternoon sun was setting and I had flip-flops on. I introduced myself and she told me her name was "Sofia". She continued crying on and off as she spoke. I asked her some questions that she would be comfortable answering, and she told me where she was from (She was from the Honduras and lived in many places, including Florida--where I'm from!) She also told me she doesn't have any family here in the states. Neither of us have children. We shared a little about ourselves and at one point, after sharing some things about myself, she actually took my hands and squeezed them in hers and told ME that I am loved and that I am not alone, either. She kissed my hands and remarked how God works and how he brought us together. We were the only ones there at the church. We hugged at least one or two more times and she apologized each time she broke down crying. I asked for her number and texted her so she would have mine. I invited her to come with me to my usual parish (which is a little farther away, but I go to this one for adoration since my church only holds adoration a couple days in the week early in the morning on days I'm not available.) I told her she could reach out to me anytime if she needed someone to talk to. I hugged her goodbye and for some reason I told her "I love ya already!" before I got in my car to go. I just felt like she needed to hear that. And in my heart at that moment, my heart was full of love.
The woman she had come there to meet with never showed up, but I did. And God answered my prayer instantly. Sometimes the next step is the person right in front of you that you are called to drop everything for. Sometimes where you're being called to serve is right under your nose in a moment where you have a choice to walk away, or to bring God into the present. Sometimes "sharing your heart with others" means sitting on a curb in an empty parking lot in the cold to make someone feel seen and heard and not alone.
This is me right now. I’ve had some bumps and hiccups… some long seasons of waiting, confusion and struggle, but I feel that God is working on something big in me. I’m getting some things together and in order, picking up where I left off with old endeavors that I thought were left in the dust… but they were only sleeping, waiting to be resurrected until I was ready and had Jesus in my heart. Waiting until I went through some experiences in life that paved the way to who I have become. He’s still got me in a place where I’m learning something and I feel it. I feel Him near and I am aware of His hand. Hold tight, He has not abandoned us in our grief. We are becoming who we really are, and we can let him fashion new hearts within us that are like His. Hold on… He is coming.
