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This is me right now. I’ve had some bumps and hiccups… some long seasons of waiting, confusion and struggle, but I feel that God is working on something big in me. I’m getting some things together and in order, picking up where I left off with old endeavors that I thought were left in the dust… but they were only sleeping, waiting to be resurrected until I was ready and had Jesus in my heart. Waiting until I went through some experiences in life that paved the way to who I have become. He’s still got me in a place where I’m learning something and I feel it. I feel Him near and I am aware of His hand. Hold tight, He has not abandoned us in our grief. We are becoming who we really are, and we can let him fashion new hearts within us that are like His. Hold on… He is coming.

4:44 (He is there.)

I went to visit Jesus in Eucharistic Adoration and left my car at exactly 3:33. When I returned to my car, it was exactly 4:44.

Thanks for that wink, God!

My Lord, I love you and I thank you. Grant me patience, peace, and a humble poor heart.

I know what real Love is.

I have seen you and you have seen me.

Wherever you are, Lord, that's where I want to be. And you are always there with me.

Trusting in that truth, no matter what happens, and finding peace in Him.. That's key. Even if I were to die today.

I had been so occupied with how things will work out and how I had failed someone who came to me asking for help, worrying about the future and also focusing on vanity and what people think of me... And my goodness did it smack me in the face today how much all of that takes away from the peace that is found in God and in just trusting in Him.

I may always carry a pain with me, but in Christ, I will carry it with Love in my heart. I know he sees me as the same little girl with the same ears now to hear Him as I had then, and I feel that he is proud of me and has blessed me because a part of my heart has always remained untainted by the world and open to Him, even when I was living a life that seemed far.

I pray that when we surrender all of this life to the Lord, that our hearts remained pure and poor, and that our eternal reward will be great.

Focus On Love, Not Fear

I often have days where I sit and cry in my car as soon as I get home from work.

A few days ago, Pam, one of the higher-cognitive memory care residents, told me that when she was 16, her older brother went into a gas station and left her in the car. She was kidnapped by two men, taken to a hotel, raped, then left there. She forgets a lot of things, but she remembers that quite vividly. 

Not long ago, Pam found out from a family member of one of the residents (Karolyn) that a man she loved walked out and disappeared for two years. Then when she was going to marry another man later in life, she got diagnosed with dementia and he left her before the wedding because he couldn't deal with that. Karolyn is one of our lower cognitive residents and she is stuck there mentally in her head. She relives that reality constantly. She cries often and it sounds like incoherent babbling about nothing, but you can understand where some of her memories are coming in and how she feels about herself and she is still traumatized. One of the male residents reminds her of someone from her past, so she had a very difficult time for a long time being around him. 

It is quite horrifying to think of ending up like that. Stuck there in your mind and knowing that something is wrong with you and your brain... and never being able to leave that place mentally. To always be in that perpetual state of loneliness and fear. From what I've seen, people with dementia and Alzheimer's prove that we become what we constantly think about. We repeat stories in our heads and those stories can become imprinted. We need to be so careful that what we believe about ourselves and our lives doesn't keep us stuck in misery or fear. What we dwell on can become our entire reality. Lyle is always looking for a wife and he always is packing up to leave for North Carolina. He was a Marine and he often thinks that the Germans are going to kill him.

I could end up that way someday, myself, and it's easy for me to be terrified about my future.

As it is now, I wouldn't have anyone else to even put me in a place for care. Every time I tell someone, like a coworker, how I have no siblings, no children, no nieces or nephews and I'm the youngest person in my little family, they always say, "Wow, you really ARE alone!", or "That's really scary!"

Thanks. I feel so much more hopeful now.

My cats will probably eat me. Oh well, at least they'll get fed one last time! (Kidding. I hope. lol.)

Most of the time I'm actually okay and I am able to find joy and pursue things that make me happy. No matter what I may be feeling, it doesn't prevent me from loving the people in front of me. But every now and then the loneliness seeps in, and then sometimes fear. Because I am human. Even Jesus, the son of God, felt fear in the Garden of Gethsemane. So, I can't be discouraged for sometimes feeling fear and then guilt over the fear as if my faith isn't strong enough or that fear is from the evil one.

Be careful of your thoughts. Focus on love, not fear. Love those around you and SEE them. Even if they have nothing to offer at all. How you make people feel is more important than what you get.

Lord, may we be like You and never overlook those who are suffering or in need. The poor or the sick. May we be willing to bloody and soil our clothes and hands to reach down to give love to the unseen. May we always keep our eyes open to see others. To know them as You know them.

Healing with St. Raphael and anointing oils

Known as the patron saint of students, St. Benedict is also a popular saint for matters of protection and exorcism. "Vade retro Satana" is initialed on his emblem. When I bought the anointing oil, I wasn't thinking of any specific need or intention... I simply thought it smelled good and the scent elicited a healing reaction in my body, so I bought it. It reminded me a bit of an ayurvedic blend of oils for pain called "Narayan oil", but this St. Benedict blend had a few different oils in it, including myrrh, lavender and clove oil. Clove is well known for analgesic properties, as is Frankincense (Boswellia Serrata) for it's anti-inflammatory uses, but many might not know the benefits or mechanisms of myrrh.

I used the frankincense and myrrh combo a lot a few years back to manage the flares of pain from my cervical spinal stenosis (both topical and ingested tinctures). As a carrier oil for topical use, I just used coconut oil and massaged it into my neck and shoulders. As for the tinctures, I had the single herb tinctures of both frankincense and myrrh (no blend) and they were alcohol-based (more effective than glycerin-based).

Besides the pleasant aroma of the topical essential oils, I definitely noticed a decrease in inflammation and pain. Taken internally, myrrh has an analgesic effect and works on the opioid receptors in a similar way to morphine. I definitely felt this when I first began using it, but it actually stopped having that same effect after a few weeks and never really had that same effect again, even months after. I still would recommend it, but the oils and tinctures seem to work better synergistically. 

I felt like I should try putting the St. Benedict oil on the back of my neck along the vertebrae. I kid you not, I felt quite a bit of relief from tension and arthritis pain. 

I used to study herbalism here and there, and worked for a while in a shop that sold herbs and supplements. I never went all the way with becoming an herbalist because I thought it had the stigma of being associated with woo-woo hippie pseudoscience quackery and not taken very seriously, but I still believe in the powerful healing effects of nature. And after using this St. Benedict oil, I'm even more convinced of the healing power of herbs and the spiritual power of the saints. If any pain or affliction may have any roots in negative spiritual attachments, I believe that using the anointing oils with prayer and intention can have tremendous healing effects. 

I would love to continue to investigate the use of anointing oils further and in healing practices. 

I still have a lot of goals and passions I want to pursue. Healing has always been a beacon of purpose for me, and St. Raphael is always near me and reminding me of what I'm here for.

O RAPHAEL of the glorious seven stand 

before the throne of Him who lives and 

reigns, Angel of Health, the Lord hath filled 

thy hand with the balm from Heaven to soothe or 

cure our pains. Heal or console the victims of 

disease, and guide our steps when doubtful of 

our ways.

A Rock to Hold On To

I feel like I'm going, going, going... really fast... but I don't know where (besides toward the end of it all). I'm flailing like a fish. I still don't know what I want. Nothing is ever enough for me. People say I am encouraging and inspiring, but when alone, I still feel unloved and like I have no one to lean on. In talking about things, and what's really on my heart, I fear that those who look to me to be a light will be let down. When they figure out that I don't have it all figured out or have it all together anymore than they do.

Today, after receiving the Lord, I told Him on my knees that I don't have a rock to hold on to in the storm. Then, I felt sad because I know he wants to be my rock. And I want that to be enough. But here in this world, I just haven't found what lights me up for him and for His glory. I'm so broken. All I loved was love... But I didn't understand what holy love was. Love is all I ever wanted. I strongly desired that and sex. So I am giving up the latter until further notice. Giving up sex isn't hard when single (it's already been a very long time for me that I've gone without that), but it's when alone... the giving in to self-gratification part, that I struggle with.

Even when I don't indulge in that, there's still the random energetic states that pass through all of my atoms like a wave of white light... or the 20-30 minute long ESO's if I go too long without release. But I can handle anything if I decide to. I still desire love and highly spiritual sex, but if God wants something else for my heart, I accept that. It's just taking a really long time and I feel like I don't know how much longer I can do this. I think (during St. Michael's Lent) in leaning into a more disciplined chastity, and investigating my resistance towards celibacy, the evil one has been pressing me hard and I've been feeling out of sorts and more weak than usual.

Holy moly. I hope this passes soon.

Day 1 of St. Michael's Lent - Resistance and Temptation

It's Day 1 of St. Michael's Lent and I'm already being struck hard by the evil one. Part of what I'm leaning into for my heart is remaining completely celibate during this time. I usually have a very high sex drive, and I'm no stranger to temperance, but I'm finding it harder than usual. In fact, it's quite ridiculous and overwhelming. To the point I know it's a temptation to throw me off.

I recently scoffed at the idea I could be celibate (a state of being) and while I do exercise chastity for the most part, I knew I could never choose celibacy as a way of life. This made me realize I have a particular resistance that begs some investigating. Perhaps I'm too attached to this urge/drive itself and the unwillingness to let it go. Perhaps I have a belief that my need is too strong. Or that I fear I could never do it (celibacy). Maybe because I think I have a weakness... and I do.

I would suggest that people do not throw stones here, because we are all sexual beings and to deny that is to deny our nature as God created us. This is an area of struggle for many people. I don't think it does anyone any good to not talk about things like this. Many of the saints struggled in the area of their sexuality. This just happens to be one of the things I'd like to experiment with having more control over. I don't feel victimized by my desires, nor guilty or anything. I just wish to be free from attachments, doubts, fears and resistance in my life.
 

St. Michael's Lent (Aug 15-Sept 29)

Today is day 1.

I will send a message soon to those who wanted to do this with me... and perhaps do like we did last time for the "Fasting for Miracles" group. I'll ask everyone for some prayer requests. Now is a good time to think about what our own personal struggles or vices are... things that keep us from being closer to Christ or areas we need to improve or have more discipline with. Something we can cut out of our lives or limit. Self-denial... not just from food but what really has an impact on our hearts.

Adding the St. Michael Chaplet prayer to each of these 40 days will be very beneficial. I also have some other resources that are helpful on this journey of prayer and fasting.