A Prayer for Blessings Upon Myself

For a long time, I had been allowing things to block me from receiving blessings and what is truly meant for me. I neglected loving myself... and when in prayer, I neglected asking the Lord for blessings upon myself and my life. I recently have been learning true surrender and detachment (without being cold or stoic).

I put up a lot of resistance at first, especially since I have a tendency towards anxiousness and wanting to control outcomes. But recently it's become easier for me. I feel that when you're present and live from the heart, there's no need for control because you exist with God in his love... the opposite of stress and worry... and move forward effortlessly in His flow.

This life is hard. Healing takes time and courage to change.

In prayer lately, I have been asking for specific blessings, and for the Lord to bless my body and what I use my body for... ultimately to glorify Him.

I know I deserve good things.

Lord bless my feet, that I may walk with purpose and connect with the earth and the goodness that you have created. That I may place complete trust in you as I move forward within your will.

Bless my womb and sexual organs, that they may be healthy and fruitful, ordered toward their design. That my desires and what I create may be in order with your will. May I desire what you desire for me.

Bless my stomach and digestive organs, that they may be healthy and work according to their design. That any dysfunction may be healed and balanced and may I love myself so that I do not hold fear or shame in this area in the form of weight. 

Lord bless my heart. That I may keep it open and love you, others and myself freely. May my heart function normally and in healthy balance, keeping my cardiovascular system functioning well and keeping my body alive. Fill my spiritual heart with gratitude every day, and with peace so that I can share your joy and healing with others.

Bless my throat and my mouth Lord. That I may speak truth and love. That I express myself clearly and only speak good things upon others. Keep my throat and mouth healthy. Keep my thyroid gland balanced and well. Heal dysfunction in my cervical spine and heal that area from chronic pain.

Bless my eyes, that I may see through your eyes. Grant me the grace of the Holy Spirit to see with spiritual eyes and see things as you see them. To see others through your eyes and to see situations and things in this world in your ways, not the world's ways. Grant me spiritual vision and the foresight to make wise choices. Keep my physical eyes healthy and well.

Bless my mind and my brain. Protect my mind (and heart) Lord, and keep my thoughts holy and pure, with no negative thoughts of others. Allow me to think positive thoughts and not negative thoughts. Allow me not to dwell or ruminate or catastrophize. Keep my mind from being addicted to negative thoughts and patterns. Deliver me from the addictions of anxiety and depression. Deliver me from wanting to control outcomes. Plant thoughts of hope and a positive vision of myself, my life and my future. Bless me with awareness to stop feeding the thoughts that damage me.

Lord bless the space around me. May it be holy and surround me with your golden healing light.

May those that I encounter be blessed by this light and may it shine upon them, directing them to you.

Lord I thank you for this day. For this life. For this opportunity to ask for blessings.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

I love you.

Amen.

This Month's Word is "SURRENDER"

Last month, my word that the Lord laid on my heart to focus on was "Hope". Now I am being called to practice surrender.

Something that many of us do is cling on tightly to the way we want things to be. We try to exert our control over circumstances and outcomes and people more often that we would like to admit. Control is something I struggle with, and while it's something that I try to have over things, what actually ends up happening is that I have a lack of control DUE to my trying to control it. Ironic, but that's how it works. And that is why learning surrender is so important. This lack of control over the thoughts that create unpleasant feelings are actually indicative of an undisciplined mind.

For several days over the past week, I found myself in a very dark place mentally and I felt the spirits of hopelessness, fear, depression and desperation seeping into the cracks of my foundation. I had been praying prayers of deliverance for someone else, and it almost felt like a direct attack the way it hit me. 

I've been telling myself these stories and believing them for a while deep down. I just never had the discipline to rewrite these stories and start feeling the feelings I'd RATHER feel so that I could be more receptive to the good things I actually want in my life. After those few days that were particularly difficult, what made me pivot in my thinking was one significant moment when I was lying in bed feeling horrible and thinking about past memories, catastrophizing about the future and believing untrue realities about the present. 

Suddenly, I realized and said out loud to myself, "I don't like the way I feel right now!"

And so, I stopped and started feeling the way I'd rather feel, even if I had to create a delulu scenario just to feel that feeling.

I know it's starting to sound like woo-woo manifestation stuff now, but there definitely is some deep truth to all of it as far as what you believe being so important. What I was choosing to believe and the reaction my body was having to the terrifying thoughts was no different than choosing to watch a horror movie and feel your heart race during the scary jump scenes as if it was really happening to you. Your body still registered a threat and believed it was real, even though you were sitting there immersed in a fictional movie.

Be very careful about what you choose to believe.

Do not control like trying to grasp tightly onto Jell-O... Be soft and receptive. Believe the things you want and then you'll feel the associated feelings, and then things in your life will have to follow suit and align with the person that you are.

I'm going to work more deeply on surrendering in my life. And every time I feel a need to control something, I need to remind myself to relax and let it be, because what is for me will come when I release my grip and settle into a state of BEING.

Stop. Breathe. Surrender. (Repeat, repeat, repeat.)

On Men...

When I was a broken young girl, I thought all men were pieces of💩who would hurt or disappoint me. I found pleasure in making them kiss my boots on their knees and I had no interest in respecting them or trusting them on a deep level due to fear. I always thought I wanted love, but that inability to trust and allow myself to be soft got in the way. Now, I fully realize how wonderful men are and am so grateful for the male friends in my life who are honest, prayerful, caring and check in on me. Male energy is magnetic rather than repelling and I actually get along better with men now than ever before. I don't put myself in a position to be used and I never feel used... even if they aren't always able to resist impure thoughts. Men are absolutely beautiful in their nature, and I find fascination in their differences and celebrate them rather than try to be more masculine to be on the same level. I find my interactions with men different now that I'm different than I used to be, and I receive their giving energy for all that it is rather than try to shut off or be cold. The more I let go of the old negative stories I used to tell, the more I free up room for new or exciting experiences. Focusing on being joyful and loving truly brings about positive interactions... and positive people.

I realized today that this answers the question I had years ago about whether it's possible to heal father wounds and approach the Heavenly Father in a healthy way or whether the healing would be a lifelong process that needed to be assessed often. I think this is a wound that actually has had deep healing, and I am able to approach our Father with love, receptivity, gentleness and trust. Over the past couple years, in deepening my relationship with the Lord, I also trust men more, and that in turn, helps me approach the Lord in a healthy way, too. Also, without wounds from codependency. It's like it just happened and I realized it suddenly. This was such a hot button and pain point for me a few years ago and now I'm in a totally different place. 

Yes, it is possible to heal this kind of wound fully. I have experienced this healing. I am so grateful. 

My relationship with the Lord is very pure and childlike, I'd say.

Complaint Against God (To Reveal My Heart)

Part 1

Where do I begin when writing my magnum opus to the Lord? Do I need to hem and haw when thou knowest my heart better than I and already know what I will say, what I struggle to say, what I will fail to say and what I don't even know, myself? How do I come before you with complaints when I know the complaints are really with myself and my failures against you?

So many nights I whined, "Why?"

"Well, why, then, my daughter?"

Where am I still hardened to your love? Where am I not letting you in?

My obstinate unwillingness to fully accept your will and bear my suffering needs observing.

You healed those I pray for, but I do not resent them nor wish for my healing over theirs. I simply resigned to the notion that I, separate from all others, am the only one undeserving... and what arrogance it takes to think that something should apply only to me.

Part 2

How Do Celibates Live Out Their Sexual Desires?

Let me preface this by saying that I've read TOB and West's companion book, however... 

It really does come down to suppression IN THAT WAY. Yes, there are many ways to express Eros in general, but in that way...

There's just something missing here entirely for me. It doesn't answer the question of that very important desire to express love in that way being fulfilled. It doesn't always have to be twisted and a disordered form of lust when you have sexual desire towards someone.

Maybe you want to give to them and sacrifice in the way God intended, but you just can't. I find it rather sad. Ultimately, it's a choice entered into (sort of), but it's the one area of TOB where I find it difficult to know where to direct that eros besides thanking God for the person and for the beauty and for the feelings that arise... (yup, I get it) there just isn't anywhere for that energy to go from there. It stops in its tracks and has to be directed into another avenue.... another form of giving. Tell me how the sexual urge isn't actually suppressed here.

Now, I may being going into "TMI" territory here, so if you blush easily or you are a family member of mine, you may not want to read further.

Over the past two and a half years being single, I have remained true to not engaging in the sexual act (the marital embrace) in a disordered way, yet I have not completely successfully refrained from self-pleasure (although much less than I used to!). 

Sometimes I enter into "ecstatic states"... kind of like energy orgasms... with no physical touch.  It was actually happening a little bit today while driving. I felt chills go up my back like a wave, similar to the body sensations of an orgasm but without the genital stimulation.

Another thing that happens... If it's been a very long time and then there IS a physical release, I sometimes experience ESO's, or extended-state orgasms, with multiple peaks that roll into one another, and it can go on for 20-30 minutes. It's kind of annoying. However, it has been less of an interference in my life lately.

Even though I have a relatively high sex drive, it is well-tempered now. Not LOWERED, necessarily, just controlled.

I am in no way arguing with the beautiful body of text that comprises the Theology of the Body, and I do not wish to be obstinate or argumentative, but this is an area of TOB that I've had a hard time with in my personal experience while trying to remain chaste and while striving toward celibacy (at least during this time of non-union/singlehood) and I genuinely wish to understand how to either overcome or integrate or whatever I need to do with this undirected form of love I need to give. And it isn't even about something as selfish as having a high drive. That can be just an excuse. Perhaps some people are just predisposed to needing to give in this particular way and to sacrifice for another and be a gift of self in this way. I do not think I was made for singlehood, personally. I NEED to give and to express Eros in this form. I just don't think it's possible to actually redirect the actual sexual desire besides repressing it and letting the energy itself take other forms. It's just not the same.

Apocalypse Wedding

In the past, I had a couple of very poignant and detailed dreams where I was getting married to someone that I didn't want to and it was the end of the world.

I often had precognitive dreams when I was younger, but it hasn't happened for a very long time. Even if things don't happen exactly the same as in the dream, if I pay attention to the MESSAGE or the EMOTION behind the events, I can look back upon them as a warning.

I think I am approaching the time where the warning is coming into play.

It certainly feels overwhelmingly like we are very near to the end of the world or close to a catastrophic event.

Here's the old blog post where I talk about the dreams:

Dreams and Symbols

(I talk about the more recent one first, then interpret it. Then at the bottom, I describe the first one I ever had.)

The reason I feel that I am approaching the time where the warning is coming into play is because I am considering going back to someone that I don't really want to marry and that I don't really love. I care for him, and I've remained in contact with him since we separated 3 years ago, but I honestly feel at this point in my life that I won't meet anyone new that I will have a deep connection with. Someone who ideally doesn't have any children either and who hasn't been married. I'd have to spend years revealing my whole ethos again and understanding someone and all their quirks and brokenness. Years figuring out how my wounds interact with theirs. I'm 41 and likely too old to start having a family. My soul feels worn out and tired. I'm not getting any younger or more attractive and I know that this person loves me and never stopped, even being across the country for the past 3 years. He knows my life-altering struggles with chronic pain (no one new is going to want to deal with that) and I know he would never cheat on me. I really don't trust him with my heart and my heart actually was traumatized when I lived with him for 3 1/2 years when he still was an alcoholic. He did not treat me very well a lot of the time. He doesn't drink anymore and he doesn't have any children and has never been married. We both are kind of failures at life. At least he loves God. He was an ordained minister at a Pentecostal church a long time ago before we started dating. He is more interested in the Torah these days, though.

I feel right now like I'm in my dream, sitting in my bathroom at the end of the world with my wedding dress on, telling my mom that I don't love (X) and that I don't want to marry him. 

Death will come knocking soon enough. C'est La Vie.

Solitude

Journal Entry 11/09/24

I may occasionally whine about being alone, but perhaps those who have not spent a significant amount of time alone with themselves understand me and where I am coming from. I am a woman who is not afraid to be alone with my own thoughts and I have spent enough time in solitude to find peace there and deeper understanding of my own soul while examining my conscience. I do not waste my solitary time on brain-numbing consumption and entertainment. I do not try to run away from myself. I don't have anything that I do for "escapism" (drugs, alcohol etc.). I use my time to read and to deepen my prayer life, and I realize that coming from this place of solitude, whomever I choose to spend time with is an intentional and purposeful choice, never out of desperation, because I have been alone and am only choosing to come out of it to embrace what I find truly nourishing to my soul and not draining. People may say I'm not putting myself in the right places to meet people, but I say that the right people have not presented themselves in the places I want to be. Yes, I'm human and yes I want love and to give all of myself, but good grief I'm not filling a void or looking for a variable to fit some presupposed equation. I've become quite fond of the freedom of creating my own schedule and my own life, pursuing my own interests and hobbies. If someone is capable of sharing in those things, wonderful. But I absolutely will not play games and if you disappear for a long time, I will not retain interest. I may have a youthful outlook and connect with the child inside that likes to have fun, but that does not mean I am an emotionally immature little girl or that I do not know my worth and value. I have been through quite a bit at this point in my life. I also have times where I am depressed or I feel old or I have a negative or distorted view of my physical appearance, but I still won't put up with foolishness or disrespect. If you are quite removed from the awareness of your own conscience and soul, I will discover that quickly and will also be far less likely to invest in any emotional attachment. I am easily overwhelmed by constant interaction, especially if the dialogue is of little consequence. I don't say these things to assert an air of phony independence or to be intentionally harsh. This is just where I find myself currently and I am trying to be better understood.