"Do men even like nice women?"

Someone asked this question on X and it went viral. My answer?

No. Not initially.

If you're "nice" to a man, he won't respect you or feel that he has earned you, and men like a challenge. They aren't drawn to intelligence or a good heart in the first 30 seconds that they make up their minds about how they feel about you and whether they're attracted to you, either.

When I posed my view on X, I had some reactions saying that men don't like women who are off-putting or who don't reciprocate, either. 

I am definitely not saying a woman should be a b*tch or off-putting, and I'm not saying a woman shouldn't reciprocate and just let it drop. We just can't be too nice initially. We have to have a backbone, and show it. We can't initiate things or be too outgoing right off the bat. Men lose interest. The less said to them initially, the better. Being approachable and getting a man to want to learn more... that's one thing. But if a woman were to divulge too much too soon, there's little left to the imagination and so the challenge is over. She becomes a bore. Too easy. I'm not saying a woman should be off-putting at all, though—a guy has to think he has a chance—but once that spark in their mind is lit, they stoke the flames themselves. We women can't do it, or it puts the fire out. Unfortunately, the ones we actually like, we have a hard time implementing this with. Even if we know better.

My problem is that I don't follow my own advice. Haha. But, at least I'm not a push-over or a doormat anymore.

Like it or not, it's just part of our biology. I know psychologically, one wouldn't want to play games, nor are any of us interested in that... but when it comes down to it... men cannot and should not be pursued by women. Plus, it sets a precedent whereby the woman is in her masculine energy and women don't like to feel that way... especially if the whole relationship henceforth is predicated on that dynamic. Ugh yuck.

Then sometimes what happens when women are "too nice" to men they aren't interested in, the men might mistake their kindness for interest. But that's because the lack of interest on the woman's part makes women less worried about how they're coming off... and that's part of what men are attracted to as well. Haha Oh, so many misunderstandings out there.

Women can definitely lose interest as well. It's a little different, but it's rooted in the same thing. Self-esteem. 

I can sense when a man has low self-esteem and it's not an attractive quality. It actually can manifest as disordered behaviors and control issues. I can smell it... especially if they are seeking validation before knowing me or if they are very emotionally needy way too soon.

In each scenario where I initiated things with a man, the relationship turned sh*tty or I was put in the place of feeling like the man. Or perhaps they sensed my wanting them, so they put me at a lower level and many of them ended up taking advantage or hurting me or did not respect me. I have a relatively large sample size to draw this conclusion from. When I was younger, I had much less self-esteem and so I had a lot of jerks use me for what they wanted. Ultimately, of all the people I've dated or had serious relationships with, none of them ended in marriage. 

So, over the past 3 years of being single, I've learned a lot and I realized I have to change things. And change myself. I have to focus on cultivating true self-respect and love. Part of the inherent flaw of the "nice girl" is that she's an insecure girl. And no one respects that. Most importantly, ME.

So for all nice girls out there... (and for both sexes) I recommend starting there. Improve yourself first. Make yourself the best version of YOU that you can be. Cultivate a sense of worth and value. Because girl, if you don't FEEL it... they'll never SEE it.

I've never been interested in finding just *someone*. That's why I haven't budged over the past 3 years. I'm not interested in filling a "void". I want the right one or no one. And I'm fine waiting... even if the right one isn't in God's plan.

Puella Aeterna

Far too long were the years 

Puella Aeterna

Waiting to be saved and sulking in the shadows

Watching your ghost live a life you could never reach

Dazzled by the stars above you,

the shackles dig deep grooves into the flesh

sitting on a cold stone floor.

Where is your great love?

He never came.

When you look at your reflection

Do you see a child or an old woman? 

Puella Aeterna

You never found your place 

never found peace.

Resigned your purpose for another

But nothing was taken

You never knew what to do with it on your own.

Has your life just begun or are you closer to death?

The lines in your skin grow deeper... 

Is it from the smile you put on to face the world?

or from the frown when you sit alone?

Yet still you wish...

And still you wait...

Puella Aeterna

There's a black void within that's heavy and aches

Wandering to find the missing piece.

Weeping over the time that wastes away endlessly

Sad, small Puella Aeterna... will you save yourself?

Will you ever remember your wings

and fly 

like all the Boys that were as Lost as you

who soared away from your disintegrating bones.

Woman, teach yourself to fly.

*(It may help to look up the term “Puella Aeterna” in Jungian psychology.)

A Prayer for Blessings Upon Myself

For a long time, I had been allowing things to block me from receiving blessings and what is truly meant for me. I neglected loving myself... and when in prayer, I neglected asking the Lord for blessings upon myself and my life. I recently have been learning true surrender and detachment (without being cold or stoic).

I put up a lot of resistance at first, especially since I have a tendency towards anxiousness and wanting to control outcomes. But recently it's become easier for me. I feel that when you're present and live from the heart, there's no need for control because you exist with God in his love... the opposite of stress and worry... and move forward effortlessly in His flow.

This life is hard. Healing takes time and courage to change.

In prayer lately, I have been asking for specific blessings, and for the Lord to bless my body and what I use my body for... ultimately to glorify Him.

I know I deserve good things.

Lord bless my feet, that I may walk with purpose and connect with the earth and the goodness that you have created. That I may place complete trust in you as I move forward within your will.

Bless my womb and sexual organs, that they may be healthy and fruitful, ordered toward their design. That my desires and what I create may be in order with your will. May I desire what you desire for me.

Bless my stomach and digestive organs, that they may be healthy and work according to their design. That any dysfunction may be healed and balanced and may I love myself so that I do not hold fear or shame in this area in the form of weight. 

Lord bless my heart. That I may keep it open and love you, others and myself freely. May my heart function normally and in healthy balance, keeping my cardiovascular system functioning well and keeping my body alive. Fill my spiritual heart with gratitude every day, and with peace so that I can share your joy and healing with others.

Bless my throat and my mouth Lord. That I may speak truth and love. That I express myself clearly and only speak good things upon others. Keep my throat and mouth healthy. Keep my thyroid gland balanced and well. Heal dysfunction in my cervical spine and heal that area from chronic pain.

Bless my eyes, that I may see through your eyes. Grant me the grace of the Holy Spirit to see with spiritual eyes and see things as you see them. To see others through your eyes and to see situations and things in this world in your ways, not the world's ways. Grant me spiritual vision and the foresight to make wise choices. Keep my physical eyes healthy and well.

Bless my mind and my brain. Protect my mind (and heart) Lord, and keep my thoughts holy and pure, with no negative thoughts of others. Allow me to think positive thoughts and not negative thoughts. Allow me not to dwell or ruminate or catastrophize. Keep my mind from being addicted to negative thoughts and patterns. Deliver me from the addictions of anxiety and depression. Deliver me from wanting to control outcomes. Plant thoughts of hope and a positive vision of myself, my life and my future. Bless me with awareness to stop feeding the thoughts that damage me.

Lord bless the space around me. May it be holy and surround me with your golden healing light.

May those that I encounter be blessed by this light and may it shine upon them, directing them to you.

Lord I thank you for this day. For this life. For this opportunity to ask for blessings.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

I love you.

Amen.

This Month's Word is "SURRENDER"

Last month, my word that the Lord laid on my heart to focus on was "Hope". Now I am being called to practice surrender.

Something that many of us do is cling on tightly to the way we want things to be. We try to exert our control over circumstances and outcomes and people more often that we would like to admit. Control is something I struggle with, and while it's something that I try to have over things, what actually ends up happening is that I have a lack of control DUE to my trying to control it. Ironic, but that's how it works. And that is why learning surrender is so important. This lack of control over the thoughts that create unpleasant feelings are actually indicative of an undisciplined mind.

For several days over the past week, I found myself in a very dark place mentally and I felt the spirits of hopelessness, fear, depression and desperation seeping into the cracks of my foundation. I had been praying prayers of deliverance for someone else, and it almost felt like a direct attack the way it hit me. 

I've been telling myself these stories and believing them for a while deep down. I just never had the discipline to rewrite these stories and start feeling the feelings I'd RATHER feel so that I could be more receptive to the good things I actually want in my life. After those few days that were particularly difficult, what made me pivot in my thinking was one significant moment when I was lying in bed feeling horrible and thinking about past memories, catastrophizing about the future and believing untrue realities about the present. 

Suddenly, I realized and said out loud to myself, "I don't like the way I feel right now!"

And so, I stopped and started feeling the way I'd rather feel, even if I had to create a delulu scenario just to feel that feeling.

I know it's starting to sound like woo-woo manifestation stuff now, but there definitely is some deep truth to all of it as far as what you believe being so important. What I was choosing to believe and the reaction my body was having to the terrifying thoughts was no different than choosing to watch a horror movie and feel your heart race during the scary jump scenes as if it was really happening to you. Your body still registered a threat and believed it was real, even though you were sitting there immersed in a fictional movie.

Be very careful about what you choose to believe.

Do not control like trying to grasp tightly onto Jell-O... Be soft and receptive. Believe the things you want and then you'll feel the associated feelings, and then things in your life will have to follow suit and align with the person that you are.

I'm going to work more deeply on surrendering in my life. And every time I feel a need to control something, I need to remind myself to relax and let it be, because what is for me will come when I release my grip and settle into a state of BEING.

Stop. Breathe. Surrender. (Repeat, repeat, repeat.)

On Men...

When I was a broken young girl, I thought all men were pieces of💩who would hurt or disappoint me. I found pleasure in making them kiss my boots on their knees and I had no interest in respecting them or trusting them on a deep level due to fear. I always thought I wanted love, but that inability to trust and allow myself to be soft got in the way. Now, I fully realize how wonderful men are and am so grateful for the male friends in my life who are honest, prayerful, caring and check in on me. Male energy is magnetic rather than repelling and I actually get along better with men now than ever before. I don't put myself in a position to be used and I never feel used... even if they aren't always able to resist impure thoughts. Men are absolutely beautiful in their nature, and I find fascination in their differences and celebrate them rather than try to be more masculine to be on the same level. I find my interactions with men different now that I'm different than I used to be, and I receive their giving energy for all that it is rather than try to shut off or be cold. The more I let go of the old negative stories I used to tell, the more I free up room for new or exciting experiences. Focusing on being joyful and loving truly brings about positive interactions... and positive people.

I realized today that this answers the question I had years ago about whether it's possible to heal father wounds and approach the Heavenly Father in a healthy way or whether the healing would be a lifelong process that needed to be assessed often. I think this is a wound that actually has had deep healing, and I am able to approach our Father with love, receptivity, gentleness and trust. Over the past couple years, in deepening my relationship with the Lord, I also trust men more, and that in turn, helps me approach the Lord in a healthy way, too. Also, without wounds from codependency. It's like it just happened and I realized it suddenly. This was such a hot button and pain point for me a few years ago and now I'm in a totally different place. 

Yes, it is possible to heal this kind of wound fully. I have experienced this healing. I am so grateful. 

My relationship with the Lord is very pure and childlike, I'd say.

Complaint Against God (To Reveal My Heart)

Part 1

Where do I begin when writing my magnum opus to the Lord? Do I need to hem and haw when thou knowest my heart better than I and already know what I will say, what I struggle to say, what I will fail to say and what I don't even know, myself? How do I come before you with complaints when I know the complaints are really with myself and my failures against you?

So many nights I whined, "Why?"

"Well, why, then, my daughter?"

Where am I still hardened to your love? Where am I not letting you in?

My obstinate unwillingness to fully accept your will and bear my suffering needs observing.

You healed those I pray for, but I do not resent them nor wish for my healing over theirs. I simply resigned to the notion that I, separate from all others, am the only one undeserving... and what arrogance it takes to think that something should apply only to me.

Part 2

All I wanted was to be loved. And to be beautiful.

But my life brought me a father who abandoned me, repetitive use and manipulation. Psychological and emotional abuse. I've put myself in stupid situations where I allowed myself to be raped, then blamed myself. Suffered with a painful spine condition that's been worsening for over 20 years, now risking paralysis. I spent most of my 20's and 30's dealing with cyclical vomiting and attacks of upper abdominal pain that would often send me to the ER. 

Now that I know my worth and dignity and desire what is true and beautiful, will my Heavenly Father really allow me to be crippled, paralyzed or even to die? Will I struggle and die alone with no family or loved ones to care for me? Will God do that to me? I refuse to believe it and I will fight my hardest to keep that fate away. I can't accept it. But I am tired of fighting. My heart is soft and I want to just rest in the peace of safety and being cared for. 

At this point, I just feel broken and not exactly desirable. I'm trying to have hope, but it almost requires a certain amount of delulu.

(Updated 5/15/25)

Apocalypse Wedding

In the past, I had a couple of very poignant and detailed dreams where I was getting married to someone that I didn't want to and it was the end of the world.

I often had precognitive dreams when I was younger, but it hasn't happened for a very long time. Even if things don't happen exactly the same as in the dream, if I pay attention to the MESSAGE or the EMOTION behind the events, I can look back upon them as a warning.

I think I am approaching the time where the warning is coming into play.

It certainly feels overwhelmingly like we are very near to the end of the world or close to a catastrophic event.

Here's the old blog post where I talk about the dreams:

Dreams and Symbols

(I talk about the more recent one first, then interpret it. Then at the bottom, I describe the first one I ever had.)

The reason I feel that I am approaching the time where the warning is coming into play is because I am considering going back to someone that I don't really want to marry and that I don't really love. I care for him, and I've remained in contact with him since we separated 3 years ago, but I honestly feel at this point in my life that I won't meet anyone new that I will have a deep connection with. Someone who ideally doesn't have any children either and who hasn't been married. I'd have to spend years revealing my whole ethos again and understanding someone and all their quirks and brokenness. Years figuring out how my wounds interact with theirs. I'm 41 and likely too old to start having a family. My soul feels worn out and tired. I'm not getting any younger or more attractive and I know that this person loves me and never stopped, even being across the country for the past 3 years. He knows my life-altering struggles with chronic pain (no one new is going to want to deal with that) and I know he would never cheat on me. I really don't trust him with my heart and my heart actually was traumatized when I lived with him for 3 1/2 years when he still was an alcoholic. He did not treat me very well a lot of the time. He doesn't drink anymore and he doesn't have any children and has never been married. We both are kind of failures at life. At least he loves God. He was an ordained minister at a Pentecostal church a long time ago before we started dating. He is more interested in the Torah these days, though.

I feel right now like I'm in my dream, sitting in my bathroom at the end of the world with my wedding dress on, telling my mom that I don't love (X) and that I don't want to marry him. 

Death will come knocking soon enough. C'est La Vie.