I'm here, but where are you?

I cannot stay

I cannot stay. In this hour. With my weary bones, wrought soul, bleary eyes.

You knew I would.

You wrote the book.

Of course you knew.

I couldn't stay awake.

The Big, Happy, Beautiful End

Happy are you who mourn

Jesus did not hide his tears, but he entered fully into being human

and wept.

Happy are you

and happy are we

when we are fully alive

When we fully feel

When we are fully present

and allow our hearts to break.

Happy are we to know and to love those who we will lose

to walk with them through their valley

knowing time is short

Those who are close to death have taught me how to truly live

to look at the birds

to feel the breeze

to say "how beautiful it is" 

about anything.

Everything is beautiful when you're walking slowly toward the end. 

and all you have is NOW.

The simplicity of a flower

The stroke of a paintbrush with a swirl of color

The softness of touch

Time no longer exists linearly.

There's no such thing as use

No such thing as selfish pleasures

Only an open heart

sharing with another heart.

A dying man I've loved whose mind is slipping away

has taught me not to take anything for granted

tomorrow truly isn't promised

and love isn't linear either

it's not about reciprocation

it's not about remembering stories we tell

it's not all guaranteed to be the same tomorrow

but it trusts and stays

it sees God in another's soul

and only wishes to be close.

He taught me how to love again

and how to lose when I know loss is the only fate

how to lose without ever "having" at all

how to grasp loosely with grace

and know that love isn't about having or keeping

it's much like the cool, beautiful breeze

though it cannot be seen, it is felt, if only for a fleeting moment

and just like that...

it will be gone.

So, remember to say out loud....

"How beautiful."

Radical Acceptance and Yielding to the Joy of Suffering

I have recently had some rather amazing breakthroughs, and I don't share this to be self-congratulatory, nor am I trying to prove piousness or anything like that, but to try to get closer in my search for TRUTH...to be living proof that there is hope even in what seems like the darkest of circumstances or mental spaces. Also, if I'm going to write a book to help people, it would only be right of me to be honest and authentic about the impactful points of one's spiritual journey. And to be an example of God’s “light” (Nehara) in this world.

I've been going through quite a lot for a long time, and my whole life has been marked by suffering in ways not all people experience. A few months ago, I was thinking about not wanting to be here at all anymore. I have gone through many phases in life, but this is different. I've come to a point of radical acceptance... of where I am, who I am, and of my sufferings. Not only accepting, but enduring with joy. My circumstances have not changed, but my mindset has shifted. My heart. I certainly expect that things can, and even will, get worse, but I know it will be okay because I trust God. I can endure. I can accept my reality and my fate. I'm not resisting or fighting against it all. I may even die alone in the worst way possible, but I'll accept it… because of what Jesus did for me. He did all of this and more, and I love him, and I can endure for Him.

I'm focusing on the people that the Lord has graced me with to serve. Giving all of myself to them. It seemed to happen overnight—Suddenly, I yielded. But I didn't "give up"...I kneeled down and lowered myself. Not as an act, but in joyful service. In the most physical pain I've been in for a long time, I gave hand massages (and a foot massage) to 5 of the memory care residents... just like when I was a massage therapist. I literally got on my knees before each of them on the floor, set a towel on their lap, wrapped their hands in hot towels and then used a nice peppermint massage lotion and allowed them to feel present and cared for by someone with a genuine heart for healing. I'm so grateful to have been called and given this gift to be able to use MY gifts to serve those who the world sees as lowly and useless and forgotten in this society. I believe God puts us places we are meant to be and where we are needed. Where we can offer our unique wisdom and experiences. And these aren't just nice words, because for the past week or so in particular, I have been smiling more (and genuinely), I have been kinder, happier, talking to more people, going out of myself and helping more people out in the world. Showing love and giving my attention, even when it’s inconvenient. I have been more creative and I am pursuing new ventures. It feels like the world is opening up to me. Just because I said YES... to where I am, to who is before me, to loving others, to being present, to BEING love.

Recently after experiencing all this, one of the higher-cognitive residents who was having a really hard time with agitation, isolation and frustration found comfort and peace with me and talked with me for over an hour as lucidly as I've ever heard him speak. (Though, he thinks he's in love with me, which is a whole different can of worms that is a very real and heartbreaking difficulty of my job, but I'm just glad that he feels safe, seen, peaceful, and calm when around me.)

The veterans I work with all have pretty advanced dementia. Please pray for them!

Also pray that I keep persevering and deepening my relationship with the Lord. It’s not coming from a fear of not knowing enough, but because I want know Him. Deeply and personally. I think I'm on the right track. I got back into the routine of praying the rosary every night before bed, and I notice a real difference!

Some of what I've been experiencing is hard to explain with words and to contextualize, but I feel it. I feel more myself than I have in a very long time, too.

I'm not sad about not finding the "right person" or overly focused on that anymore, either. I know that if I really wanted to date, I would. I want the right person or nothing at all. I'm not desperate and have no need to settle. I have been single for almost 4 years now, and it's not because I'm the ugliest person in the world. I'm focusing on other things. Like getting my spine issues taken care of... and I've pretty much been on a 4-year long date with God. My entire lifetime, He’s been trying to “woo me”.

...

Working with the elderly population with dementia can be difficult mentally and emotionally in ways most people wouldn't realize or understand.  It really is essential to have a strong foundation and a strong support system of people who love and listen to you and care. It can be isolating to have the same conversations over and over with people who don't remember your name. You can feel like you're connecting with someone, as we do when we converse with one another, but this is very isolating because there really isn't that reciprocated receiving that we do when relating to others. When you spend 40 or more hours a week only having these types of conversations and relationships and you go home to yourself and start the day again... it can be extremely draining. Self-care and self-knowledge is very important if you're going to do this type of work. It's also heartbreaking to watch them decline, knowing that they are all at the end of their lives and that the disease will take them and their dignity and all of who they were. You can't help but form friendships and love them. You will smile and laugh with them. You will love them and care for them, and you will watch them die and you'll be by their side as they cross over to be with the Lord. It is also a great blessing.

I am dangerous

God tests us so that we better understand ourselves and our own hearts. The more He tests me, it seems that I'm getting weaker and that I must surely give up soon. But no, no. 

I have NOT given up yet. I'm still here. I still have a grain of hope that I cling to. And that PISSES the devil off.

I am a threat. My heart is still soft and not hardened. I still hear God's voice and I still muster up enough energy to pray, especially for others. I still give of myself in service to the forgotten and sick. I am in pain. I mourn. I keep taking hits, and I KEEP GETTING BACK UP.

I haven't been looking at it properly. I am dangerous to Satan. He wants so badly for me to take my own life because I have kept my promise to God. I still have faith. And I still have a story to tell. If I rise again after being knocked down another time, it surely makes the evil one shiver. There's no possible way someone can endure for so long and not have given in. But I will rise again. I will tell my story. I see that I'm stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I believed the lies far too long. God surely is closest to the brokenhearted.

I am dangerous.

Puella Aeterna

Far too long were the years 

Puella Aeterna

Waiting to be saved and sulking in the shadows

Watching your ghost live a life you could never reach

Dazzled by the stars above you,

the shackles dig deep grooves into the flesh

sitting on a cold stone floor.

Where is your great love?

He never came.

When you look at your reflection

Do you see a child or an old woman? 

Puella Aeterna

You never found your place 

never found peace.

Resigned your purpose for another

But nothing was taken

You never knew what to do with it on your own.

Has your life just begun or are you closer to death?

The lines in your skin grow deeper... 

Is it from the smile you put on to face the world?

or from the frown when you sit alone?

Yet still you wish...

And still you wait...

Puella Aeterna

There's a black void within that's heavy and aches

Wandering to find the missing piece.

Weeping over the time that wastes away endlessly

Sad, small Puella Aeterna... will you save yourself?

Will you ever remember your wings

and fly 

like all the Boys that were as Lost as you

who soared away from your disintegrating bones.

Woman, teach yourself to fly.

*(It may help to look up the term “Puella Aeterna” in Jungian psychology.)

A Prayer for Blessings Upon Myself

For a long time, I had been allowing things to block me from receiving blessings and what is truly meant for me. I neglected loving myself... and when in prayer, I neglected asking the Lord for blessings upon myself and my life. I recently have been learning true surrender and detachment (without being cold or stoic).

I put up a lot of resistance at first, especially since I have a tendency towards anxiousness and wanting to control outcomes. But recently it's become easier for me. I feel that when you're present and live from the heart, there's no need for control because you exist with God in his love... the opposite of stress and worry... and move forward effortlessly in His flow.

This life is hard. Healing takes time and courage to change.

In prayer lately, I have been asking for specific blessings, and for the Lord to bless my body and what I use my body for... ultimately to glorify Him.

I know I deserve good things.

Lord bless my feet, that I may walk with purpose and connect with the earth and the goodness that you have created. That I may place complete trust in you as I move forward within your will.

Bless my womb and sexual organs, that they may be healthy and fruitful, ordered toward their design. That my desires and what I create may be in order with your will. May I desire what you desire for me.

Bless my stomach and digestive organs, that they may be healthy and work according to their design. That any dysfunction may be healed and balanced and may I love myself so that I do not hold fear or shame in this area in the form of weight. 

Lord bless my heart. That I may keep it open and love you, others and myself freely. May my heart function normally and in healthy balance, keeping my cardiovascular system functioning well and keeping my body alive. Fill my spiritual heart with gratitude every day, and with peace so that I can share your joy and healing with others.

Bless my throat and my mouth Lord. That I may speak truth and love. That I express myself clearly and only speak good things upon others. Keep my throat and mouth healthy. Keep my thyroid gland balanced and well. Heal dysfunction in my cervical spine and heal that area from chronic pain.

Bless my eyes, that I may see through your eyes. Grant me the grace of the Holy Spirit to see with spiritual eyes and see things as you see them. To see others through your eyes and to see situations and things in this world in your ways, not the world's ways. Grant me spiritual vision and the foresight to make wise choices. Keep my physical eyes healthy and well.

Bless my mind and my brain. Protect my mind (and heart) Lord, and keep my thoughts holy and pure, with no negative thoughts of others. Allow me to think positive thoughts and not negative thoughts. Allow me not to dwell or ruminate or catastrophize. Keep my mind from being addicted to negative thoughts and patterns. Deliver me from the addictions of anxiety and depression. Deliver me from wanting to control outcomes. Plant thoughts of hope and a positive vision of myself, my life and my future. Bless me with awareness to stop feeding the thoughts that damage me.

Lord bless the space around me. May it be holy and surround me with your golden healing light.

May those that I encounter be blessed by this light and may it shine upon them, directing them to you.

Lord I thank you for this day. For this life. For this opportunity to ask for blessings.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

I love you.

Amen.